Overworked, Underpaid

'I tried to write down my thoughts as they were then, completely unfiltered—hence the lack of punctuation. I wanted the piece to feel as breathless as I did in those moments.'

Is it true?

The dirt’s clinging to your pyjama pants again they want to high five again people’s hands are caked in dirt don’t you know that you can’t see it but it’s there you know it’s there think of what they touched earlier can’t you feel it do something wash your hands for god’s sake get it off please just get it off

Is it realistic?

What if you get yourself sick you remember what happened last time surgery for a stye in your eye now there’s that coronavirus too you could get your parents your brother your friends sick too don’t you care about that don’t you care about me or anyone else at else at all stop imagining them sick Jesus what’s wrong with you

Is it helpful?

They’re sitting on your bed again scream at them tell them to get the fuck off they’re ruining it don’t they know it’s your only safe place left in this germ-infested world can’t they see it’s bothering you where’s the Clorox wipes tell them to leave say you have to shower shut your door then disinfect everything everything they touched what did they touch the bed the light switch the door handles your phone your drawers your nightstand get it all so you can sleep again breathe again so your heart settles in your chest the only relief you’ll get tonight there’s gotta be more you missed see of course you missed something shouldn’t have washed your hands yet now you’ll have to do it again look how dry they are they’re bleeding you can’t keep doing this but please god I can’t sleep like this the bed has to be clean or you won’t sleep please just let me sleep

I wish I knew how to stop.

Sigh.

Take a minute.

Think this through.

You’re overreacting you know you’re overreacting you need exposure to build up immunity to protect yourself don’t you remember that

Breathe.

In for four.

Hold.

Out for eight.

Your brain’s just trying to protect you.

But now it’s trying too hard.

You’re overworked and underappreciated, I know.

Rest.

Please.

I know we’ll talk again tomorrow.